Addicted
by WritingForMySoul12
Summary: It's hard being perfect. Especially when you're the one holding yourself to a higher standard of perfection. Rachel may act like a Diva and be arrogant, but in her head,that's where the demons live. She's actually really messed up. When Shelby comes along, Rachel pushes herself even harder. Can Shelby help Rachel see no one is perfect? *SEVERE TRIGGER: EATING DISORDERS & SELF-HARM*
1. Girls & Their Mothers

**A/N: This ficlet has been swimming around in my brain for a long time. It's very near and dear to my heart. I'd like to dedicate this story to all of those who are suffering with or are in recovery from Eating Disorders. Also to those who suffer with self-harm. I am in NO WAY promoting ED's or self-harm. If you are easily triggered you probably shouldn't read this story.**

 **I've changed things around and picked and pulled from the show to make it suit my story :).**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or any of the characters in Glee.**

 **Chapter One**

Addicted: Devoted to or given up to a practice or habit or to something psychologically or physically habit forming.

And that's exactly what Rachel was...

"Do you think the next time you're thirsty, you could drink from this?" Shelby asks. She pulls a pristine, glass cup, decorated in gold stars out of the box and hands it to Rachel. "Gold stars are kind of my thing." She adds. She doesn't know why she said it, it doesn't make the moment any less heart wrenching.

Rachel takes the cup and bites the inside of her cheek to keep herself from bursting into tears. This entire moment is cutting her like a knife. She had thought when she found Shelby, that maybe she wouldn't have to be alone anymore. She just wanted to be loved. Her own Mother didn't want her and it confirmed every horrible thought and feeling she had ever had about herself. She was unlovable. She was worthless. She had an outer body experience as Shelby grants her request to sing with her and then the song is over. The way Shelby looks into her eyes as they sing the line "She's got to love nobody." makes her want to cry and have several binge & purge sessions. As she watches her Mother walk away, she can't take anymore. She takes off running. She runs right past Shelby as the tears begin to fall down her face and the sobs force their way out of her body. She runs into the nearest bathroom and locks the door behind her, rushing into the nearest stall. She needs to purge. She needs to do it to flush away what just happened. Just like she flushes away everything else in her life. As she kneels down in front of the toilet, she flashes back to the first time she had done it:

 _Rachel was in the sixth grade. She didn't know what had possessed her to try purging that day. She wasn't stupid. She knew the dangers of it but it was like some unknown force beckoned to her. And she had to do it! She knelt down by the toilet and jammed her fingers down her throat and well...she completely missed the toilet. And she was loud, really loud. What happened next should have scared her from ever doing it again but it didn't._

 _"Rachel? Were you making yourself throw up?" Miss Pillsbury asks._

 _"Of course not Miss Pillsbury!" Rachel lies. 'Put those acting skills to use Rachel!' She tells herself._

 _Emma observes the stall Rachel is still kneeling in, "Rachel...you missed the toilet..." She says. "Come with me."_

 _Rachel wipes her mouth with a piece of toilet paper and follows Miss Pillsbury into her office and sits down across from her._

 _Emma slides a pamphlet towards Rachel "SO YOU LIKE MAKING YOURSELF THROW UP." Seriously...does the woman special order these? "Why were you making yourself throw up Rachel?"_

 _"It's impossible for me to throw up Miss Pillsbury, I don't have a gag reflex!" Rachel said. She mentally pats herself on the back._

 _"Rachel, bulimia is a very serious-" Emma starts._

 _"I'm not bulimic!" Rachel cuts her off. She makes herself tear up a bit for this next part. "It's just...I thought maybe if I was thinner and prettier like Quinn Fabray then my life would be easier." She says softly. And while it IS completely true, it is not even the tip of the ice berg. But it has the desired dramatic effect._

 _"You're not fat and you are a very pretty girl, Rachel." Emma said, matter-of-factly._

 _Rachel nods and stands up. "If that will be all...See you around Miss Pillsbury." She went home after school that day and purged again and by the end of the week she had perfect aim into the toilet._

Rachel ends the memory with a flush of the toilet. She sniffles and makes her way to the sink. She takes a look at herself and hates everything she sees. And she knows that she doesn't deserve Shelby Corcoran as her Mother. She wasn't perfect enough. She wasn't good enough. The woman probably took one look at how fat, ugly and stupid she was and wanted to run for the hills! And she knows her Dads can't stand the sight of her. That's why they are hardly home and give her whatever she asks for so they don't have to be around her. Everyone hates her and she knows it. But no one hates Rachel Berry more than she hates herself. She rinses her mouth out and pops a mint. She doesn't do anything about her red, puffy eyes because no one is there and she's heading straight home anyway. She opens the door and nearly jumps out of her skin when she sees Shelby standing there.

"Can we talk?" Shelby asks. She had seen Rachel run past her and heard the sobs. And while she argued with herself to follow Will's advice, she followed her heart instead. Her daughter was hurting. And _she_ was the cause of it. It killed her.

Rachel was shocked to see Shelby standing there. Didn't the woman just basically reject her about ten minutes before? "What are you still doing here?" Her brain sort of short circuted and that's all she could think to ask.

"I saw you run past me and I heard you crying. I had to make sure you were alright and obviously you're not." Shelby said. Maybe she was wrong. Maybe Rachel still needed her.

"Go to hell!" Rachel snapped. She took off down the hallway and out of the doors before Shelby could respond. She refused to let her Mother, no matter how much she wanted the woman, see how flawed she was. Besides she had more important things to worry about. She had to add up her calories for the day, she needed to swim and she needed to write in her journal. She had to stick to her routine. It was her law. She was a failure at so many other things in life, but the art of controlling her body was her biggest accomplishment.

 **What do you think?**


	2. What She Deserves

**A/N: I'm really glad that this story has gotten such a positive response! If there is anything you would like to see happen in this story, let me know. Shelby will not be adopting Beth. That whole entire thing made Shelby look like a heartless B*tch and it was just messed up!**

 **Chapter Two**

Rachel ran all the way home. She ran five blocks. It sounds crazy but she knew she needed the exercise anyway. She felt all the calories she didn't have a chance to get rid of earlier that day add up, turn into fat and go straight to her stomach, butt and her thighs. She walked inside the house and locked the door behind her. While she was still trying to catch her breath, she headed straight for the kitchen and tore open the fridge and the cabinets. She pulled out all her favorites and started eating. Her Dads weren't around...no surprise there. She could go on several binge & purge sessions all night if she wanted. Once her jaw was hurting and she was full, she climbed up the stairs and headed for her toilet. Since she has been purging for two years she no longer had to use her fingers, unless she chose to. So she just bent over, contracted her stomach muscles, pressed on her stomach a bit and watched the food flow out of her. She shoved two fingers down her throat for good measure, to make sure her stomach was completely empty. When the endorphins kicked in and she got the high she was after, she practically skipped downstairs for round two.

Shelby sat outside in her car, debating on whether or not to get out of the car. She had been going back and forth with herself for about an hour. "Just get out of the car Shelby. Go talk to your daughter. Don't be a coward." She told herself. She pulled her keys out of her ignition and put them in her pocket. Then she walked up the driveway and rang the doorbell.

Rachel had been happily stuffing herself when the doorbell rang. She crinkled her eyebrows in confusion. She had no idea who would stop by. She didn't have any friends and none of her Dads family ever visited. She dropped her spoon into the tub of ice cream she had been working on and wiped her mouth before going to see who was at the door. She pulled the door open and her world completely flipped on it's axis as she looked at her Mother for the third time that day. "What are you doing here?" She asked.

"I came to talk to you." Shelby stated, as if it should be obvious. "Can I come in?" She asked. She was afraid of Rachel slamming the door in her face. She wanted a chance to correct the mistake she had made. And with Rachel she had made many.

Rachel's anxiety shot through the roof. Was the woman messing with her? Did she think it was funny to play tug-of-war with her feelings? She swallowed and cleared her throat, then she decided. She pulled the door open wider and stepped aside. "Yes." She said.

Shelby smiled and stepped into the house. She looked around and noticed the homey living room and some pictures of Rachel on the walls. "Are your Fathers home?" She asked.

"No." Rachel immediately began berating herself. Shelby didn't need to know that her Dads were always gone. She didn't need her Mother's self pity. She spun around and made her way back to the kitchen. Back to her main source of comfort. Food.

Shelby followed Rachel into the kitchen and almost gasped as she saw wrappers and other containers litter the counter tops and table. It was so messy. Such a different contrast from what she had seen in the house. She watched Rachel shovel bites of ice cream into her mouth. "I always eat ice cream when I have a rough day." She shares. She slowly walks towards Rachel and sits on the other side of the table.

Rachel was in the midst of mindlessly eating the delicious treat when she heard Shelby speak. She dropped the spoon in the tub. 'I must look so disgusting to her.' She thought. She had that feeling again. It was time for her to get her fix. "Excuse me." She said. She pushed away from the table and dashed upstairs to the solace of her bathroom. She chugged some water from a cup she kept in her the cabinet and bent over the toilet and watched the ice cream leave her body. Twice the taste, no calories. It had to be done. Whether her Mother was downstairs or not. When she returned downstairs with a flushed face and teary eyes, she had not a care in the world. She was skating on her high. "I apologize for my rudeness, would you like some?" She asks as she sits down. She offers up the tub of ice cream towards Shelby with a false smile.

Shelby takes in Rachel's facial features. She looks flushed and pale. And she wants to ask if she had been crying again. But when Rachel offers her some ice cream and smiles at her, all her questions come to a halt. She smiles back and takes the spoon and brings some of the creamy dessert into her mouth. "S'more flavor?" She asks.

Rachel nods as she watches her Mother eat a couple of bites of ice cream. Off her same spoon! Didn't her Mother find her revolting? How could she sit so close to her and eat off of her? "Yeah, it's my favorite." She answers. With an empty stomach, she was starting to feel anxious. She needed to get her fix. She craved being full as much as she craved being empty all over again. But she couldn't let her Mother see her binge. The woman would certainly confirm everything Rachel already knew she was and leave her. She started shaking her leg under the table. Why couldn't the woman just leave? "Not to sound rude, but is there a reason you came by?" She asked. The sooner Shelby left her for good the sooner she could start healing, her way.

Shelby placed the spoon back into the tub and looked up at Rachel. "I came because I made a mistake before..." She said.

"Mistake?" Rachel asked. She was clearly confused. All she could think about was stuffing herself and throwing up again. And she had the rest of her routine to follow through with.

"Yes, I've made many mistakes with you Rachel. I want to be your Mom, not just your Mother." Shelby said. It was out there and she wasn't taking it back. She just hoped it wasn't too late for them.

"But, you said that we should be grateful for each other from afar for awhile...what changed?" Rachel asked. She was too emotionally spent for this conversation but she was going to have it anyway.

"When you found me, like I said, it didn't go the way I wanted it to go. And I just freaked out. Then I talked to Will-" Shelby said.

Rachel stood up from the table. "You talked to Mr. Schue?! He doesn't even have kids! What the hell did he say?!" Her hands went straight to her hips.

Shelby would have laughed at her little clone if the conversation wasn't so serious. "He told me that I wasn't ready to handle a teenage daughter and that you were practically an adult. He said you didn't need me..."

"Let me get this straight. You listened to a man who is in the middle of a divorce, who doesn't have any children of his own, who is also a rival Glee Coach? Did I miss anything?" Rachel asks. She was fuming inside.

"No...that about sums it up." Shelby said. "But, when you ran away from me, I realized how very wrong he was."

"You're telling me!" Rachel snapped. She had a few words she wanted to say to Mr. Schuester but for now she would save those words for her journal.

"Listen, Rachel. If you're willing, I really want to have a relationship with you." Shelby says hopefully.

Rachel wanted it more than anything. It was the one thing she had always wanted. But, how could she? She wasn't good enough to be the daughter her Mother deserved. She would just have to work harder. That's all. "I would like that very much." She said. 'Who would want a daughter as ugly, stupid and fat as you?' She heard the voice say.

"How about we have dinner this Friday and if it's alright with your Fathers you could spend the weekend with me?" Shelby suggested.

"I would love to! And I'll ask Dad and Daddy about this weekend and let you know." Rachel said. She had to play it cool. She couldn't let her Mother know that her Fathers were never around. Then Shelby would figure out that Rachel truly was a major disappointment.

"Great, here's my number. Call me anytime." Shelby said. She pulled Rachel in for a hug. It felt so right holding her daughter. "Good night sweet heart."

"Good night." Rachel said. She stood in the doorway and watched Shelby drive off. She closed and locked the door and flicked the light in the kitchen off, deciding to clean it the next day. She headed downstairs to the pool. She stripped off her clothing and looked in the mirror. All she saw was fat. She looked at her thighs and traced the scars of old cuts she had made and scabs from previous ones. She would also be cutting tonight. The day called for it. She slipped into her swim suit and almost cried as it hugged all of the fat covering her body. She was doing her best to work on it. She grabbed a towel and laid it on one of the lounge chairs. She jumped into the heated pool and began doing her laps. And her motivation was that she needed to be perfect because her Mom deserved nothing less.


	3. Just Another Day

**A/N: Thank you all so much for the warm reception of this story!**

 **I want to take some time to answer some if not all of my reviews:**

 **Shelby isn't going to find out just yet. I haven't planned the story out that far yet but I do have a lot of ideas floating around in my head. I'm really excited about this story.**

 **As far as Rachel having a romantic relationship, I am partial to Faberry, but I have taken a liking Pezberry stories. You could always put it up to a vote. But for right now Rachel is far too damaged to have a relationship with anyone. However friendship is a great place to start.**

 **As for drama, oh yes, there will be plenty.**

 **Not only will Shelby find out about Rachel's eating disorder but the cutting will be discovered as well. I haven't decided if she will find out for herself or a third party will come in and notify Shelby.**

 **I hope those answered some of your questions so far. :) Feel free to ask whatever you like.**

 **Chapter Three**

Rachel woke up the next morning with the familiar ache that came from swimming well into the night. She loved it. She was proud of it. No pain, no gain. She just couldn't stop herself. She pushed herself to keep going long after she had burned every calorie. She had to. She didn't want her Mother to be ashamed of her because she was fat and ugly. It was bad enough she was shorter than most of her classmates, she didn't need to add fat to that combination. She forced herself to get out of bed and get ready for the day. She dressed herself in jeans, a cute top, a sweater and some flats. Her skirts were too loose and her sweaters were more like tents. And maybe Santana and Quinn were right. She did dress like an overgrown toddler. Once she got to school, her first order of business was to put a certain curly haired teacher in his place. She marched right into his office. "Mr. Schue? A word please."

Will set down his cup of coffee and resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "What's going on Rachel?" He gestured for her to sit in the chair opposite his desk.

Rachel did not sit. "The next time you converse with my Mother, please refrain from giving her parenting advice seeing as how the only child you came close to being a parent of was a sham!" With that she spun around and stormed out of his office. Oh, she had so much more to say, but she decided those words were left best unsaid. And if she lost her self-control, it wouldn't be the portrayal of perfection. Would it?

Will sat there open-mouthed as Rachel stormed out of his office. What had just happened? He raked a hand through his curls and sighed. He dug in his pocket and pulled out Shelby's phone number and then dialed. "Hello, Shelby? This is Will." He said.

"What can I do for you Will?" Shelby asked.

"We need to talk..." Will said.

"What do we need to talk about?" Shelby asked.

"Rachel." Will said.

"Is she in trouble? Did something happen?" Shelby asked. She had thought constantly about her daughter since she left her the night before. And if she was quite honest with herself, she was missing her. And now she was worrying. It amazed her how quickly the maternal side of her awakened with all the years it went without use.

"She's fine...I think..." Will said. He was still completely clueless as to what had caused Rachel to come into his office and rip him to shreds.

"Spit it out Will!" Shelby said. She was becoming anxious and slightly irritated.

"Well, she was just in my office and she told me to stop giving you parenting advice." Will said. "Shelby, I thought we agreed that you weren't going to interfere in her life anymore."

"Hold it right there William, I was not _interfering_ in my daughter's life, I want to be her Mom Will. Not that it's any of your business. And I so regret letting you get inside of my head and making me think she didn't need me because you are wrong Will! And where do you get your parenting advice anyway?! I should have never listened to you! Because I really hurt her! And the only reason you probably said anything is because you wanted to rattle me before competition! Are you afraid that Rachel and I will become so close that she will switch over to Vocal Adrenaline? Insecure much? Stay out of my relationship with _my_ child Will. Because I can promise you, if you don't, you will regret it!" Shelby tore into him and before he could respond she hung up. Harshly pressing the end button didn't have the same effect as slamming down the phone, but it would do. She huffed and pinched the bridge of her nose. She could see Will Schuester becoming a thorn in her side. And she didn't like that, not one bit.

One of the upsides of Rachel dressing like a normal part of the student body was not one slushy had been aimed at her that day. She was just beginning to think that maybe it would be a good day and she wouldn't have to punish herself so hard, but that thought was short lived. She was heading to the cafeteria when she felt herself flying into the lockers.

"Watch where you're going, Man Hands!" Quinn barked as she stormed down the hallway. She almost felt bad for pushing the girl so hard. Almost. And she didn't know where the harsh insult came from, but she went with it.

Rachel righted herself and looked down at her hands and bit her lip to keep herself from crying right there in the hall. Quinn was right, her hands were manly. She was fat. She was ugly. And now she had man hands. She couldn't do anything about her hands but she could definitely do something about the other two. She craved a release in that moment. She nearly ran into the cafeteria and to the lunch line. She grabbed a tray and placed two slices of veggie lovers pizza, chocolate pudding, mashed potatoes and gravy and super cheesy nachos on it. Then she paid. She was only slightly embarrassed when the lunch lady gave her a strange look because of all the food on her tray. She walked right out of the cafeteria and headed for the auditorium so she could consume her massive feast in peace. She sat on the stage and began to eat. Just one bite and the beast inside of her was let free from it's cage. She was an addict, food was her drug and the cafeteria was the dealer. She ate it all. She threw the empty containers away and returned the tray to the cafeteria and then she made her way to the single person bathroom that was located next to the choir room. She locked the door behind her and bent over the toilet and without hardly any effort the food began to flow out of her. She went over to the sink, drank some water, jumped up and down and purged again to make sure she got rid of it all. She couldn't leave behind a morsel of food. She rinsed her mouth out, popped a mint and fixed her make-up before leaving the bathroom. If she hadn't been so busy soaring on her high she would have noticed someone watching her leave the bathroom. But, no, she was too busy skipping down the hall.

Once Rachel got home later that day, she cleaned the house, did her routine and played the messages on the answering machine. Her Dads had finally called to let her know that they didn't know when they would be home, they added more funds to her bank account and paid the bills. She sighed and sat on the couch with her journal and Funny Girl playing in the background. She wrote and she wrote. By the time she was finished writing her self-loathing and deep dark thoughts, the ending credits were rolling. She picked up her phone and typed a text to Shelby, that she erased and re-typed several times before she thought it was perfect enough. She didn't want her Mother knowing how stupid she was.

"Hello Shelby, it's Rachel. Dad and Daddy are pleased about me spending the weekend with you. Is seven ok for dinner on Friday?"

Shelby had just finished getting ready for bed when her phone went off. She picked it up and smiled when she saw it was from her daughter. She instantly responded.

"Seven is perfect. Give them my regards. I'm really looking forward to spending time with you this weekend."

Rachel was just getting ready to add up her calorie intake and out put for the day when her phone went off. She picked it up and frowned. The part that got to her the most was the fact her Mother said she was looking forward to spending time with her. Wasn't that a lie? Because no one ever wanted to spend time with her. As far back as she could remember her Dads gave her everything and did everything to avoid spending time with her. So how could Shelby be any different? She decided then and there that she would work extra hard to lose more weight by Friday night. She didn't want her Mother to be embarrassed of being seen with her in public because she was so obese. She couldn't have that. Her stomach growled so she headed downstairs to the kitchen. She grabbed a large bowl and poured some Cinna Toast Crunch into it and ate. Then she washed her bowl and spoon, put them away and went back upstairs. She purged, rinsed her mouth out and immediately headed to bed. She cried herself to sleep that night because the voices in her head were telling her she still wasn't good enough. She knew they were right.


	4. Take Care of You

**A/N: Thank you all so much for the love and support this has gotten! Also don't forget to stop by my page to drop your vote for Rachel's love interest!**

 **Chapter Four**

Mercedes was on her way home after an afternoon of shopping with Kurt and Blaine, when she saw Rachel running on the sidewalk. She would have kept on going if she hadn't seen the Diva trip and fall and clutch her ankle. At least that's what it looked like to her. Mercedes pulled over and hopped out of her car. "Rachel, are you ok?" She asked rushing over to her.

Rachel had been on an evening run when her vision went black, for just a moment, and she landed awkwardly on her ankle on her way down and felt something pop. She immediately held onto her ankle and tears of pain began to trickle from her eyes. Something was wrong. She knew that. She just couldn't get up. And now it seemed like Mercedes had come out of nowhere and witnessed her embarrassment. Her face instantly became pink. "Mercedes, nice to see you." She said while forcing a smile on her face and catching her breathe. "Yes, I'm quite alright." She added.

"Rachel, why are you holding your ankle?" Mercedes asked kneeling down in front of Rachel. Even though her and Rachel were always at each other's throats for solos in Glee they were friends. And even though Rachel, more often than not, was an arrogant, obnoxious, self absorbed brat. Mercedes didn't want to see anything bad happen to the girl. And she hadn't been herself for quite awhile. She could see that.

Rachel's every instinct told her to brush Mercedes off and send her on her way so she wouldn't be witness to her limping home but her ankle was really starting to throb. She swallowed her pride and told the truth...sort of. "I-I tripped over some uneven concrete and felt something pop." She said.

"Can you stand?" Mercedes asked pushing herself up off the ground and reaching down to help Rachel. When she pulled Rachel off the ground she noticed how light Rachel was. Because she literally pulled her off the ground.

Once Rachel stood and put weight on her ankle, she hissed and wobbled. "Ouch!" She cried. Pain was radiating up her leg. She just wanted to sit back down.

"Here, put your arm around my shoulder." Mercedes said. "I'm taking you to the ER." She said leading Rachel to her car.

"No! I mean...no, that's ok. If you just take me home, I'll put some ice on it and it will be fine." Rachel said. She was already beating herself up, wondering what that little slip up would cost her.

"No way Rach. You can hardly stand on it. It could only get worse overnight." Mercedes said. She was already driving towards the hospital.

"But it could also get better." Rachel argued. If she went to the hospital and her Doctor examined her, they would find out about her addictions and they were all she had. She wouldn't let them be taken away from her. Logically she knew her Doctor would only be looking at her ankle but the voices in her head were telling her not to be too careful and not to be so stupid.

"Rachel..." Mercedes said in warning.

"Ok...Ok." Rachel said with a huff.

For the rest of the drive Rachel and Mercedes were silent. Each lost in their own thoughts. They didn't speak again until they were in the ER, checking in.

"My friend tripped and hurt her ankle." Mercedes said holding Rachel up.

The nurse took one look at Rachel and the pain written all over her face and began processing her immediately. "Sit in the wheelchair honey and we'll get you back as soon as possible."

"Thank you." Rachel said.

Mercedes lowered her into the wheelchair and pushed her over to a chair so she could sit with her.

"Thank you for bringing me." Rachel said.

"You're welcome." Mercedes said.

A nurse called Rachel back, took her vitals and checked her into a room.

"You don't have to stay with me. I'm sure you have other things that you would rather fill your evening with." Rachel said.

"Rachel?" Mercedes said.

"Yeah?"

"Shut up. I'm not going anywhere." Mercedes said.

"Ok." Rachel said.

The doctor came in and poked and prodded Rachel's ankle before sending her to Radiology. Once the X-Rays came back confirming the Doctor's suspicions of sprain and a fracture at the base of her ankle, Rachel was put into a boot for a minimum of six weeks, given a pair of crutches and written a prescription for pain management.

"Thank you Dr." Rachel said as Mercedes was wheeling her out.

Mercedes pulled into Rachel's driveway and walked around to help her into the house. "Will your Dads be home soon to help you?" She asked. She would stay and help the girl up the stairs if she needed her to.

Rachel's eyes went wide. She hadn't even thought about that minor detail. She opened her mouth with a lie on the tip of her tongue but Mercedes quickly cut her off.

"They're gone again, aren't they?" Mercedes asked.

"Yes, but I'm fine Mercedes. Really." Rachel said.

"You can't stay here by yourself Rachel. And definitely not like this." Mercedes said. She shoved her hand into Rachel's pocket, grabbed her phone out and scrolled through the numbers. When she found the one she was looking for, she selected it and waited for the person to answer.

"Mercedes!" Rachel objected. "Wha- who are you calling?!"

Mercedes held her hand up to silence Rachel. "Ms. Corcoran? This is Mercedes Jones...I'm a friend of Rachel's...She's fine, sort of...No, nothing like that Ms. Corcoran she fractured her ankle and I didn't want to leave her home alone...No ma'am her Fathers are out of town...Yes, I'll stay with her until you get here...Bye."

Rachel was in utter disbelief. Her Mother was going to think she was such a pitiful loser because of this. She was afraid to ask but she just had to know, "What did she say?" She asked swallowing the lump in her throat.

"She asked me if something happened to you and if I could stay with you until she got here." Mercedes said.

In Rachel's head all she heard was that her Mother wouldn't be berating her in front of Mercedes and she sighed in relief. She allowed Mercedes to help her inside and onto the couch and she popped in her headphones and ignored her completely. She was itching for her fix and she couldn't get it because she couldn't get up and make a mad dash for the kitchen. She was irritable. She just wanted to be left alone with her journal and her addictions.

Shelby arrived twenty minutes later and walked right into the house. She rushed over to Rachel, "Oh baby..." She cooed. She kissed Rachel's forehead. She thanked Mercedes for staying with her and sent her on her way.

"Thanks for coming..." Rachel mumbled.

"Of course." Shelby said. "Honey, where are your Fathers?" She asked.

"They're not here..." Rachel said looking at the carpet.

"I know that." Shelby said. "Yet, that doesn't tell me where they are. Where are they?"

"Gone ok?! I don't know!" Rachel snapped. "They're always gone." Rachel whispered.

If Shelby hadn't been looking right at her, she never would have caught it. "Rachel, how long have you been home alone?" She asked.

"I don't know...a month?" Rachel said. The truth was, her malnourished brain was affecting her memory and concentration and she lost track of time. So, she really didn't know.

"WHAT?!" Shelby shouted shooting up off the couch. To say she was pissed was an understatement. They left her fourteen year old daughter alone. She had words for the Berry men. And judging by the pained look in her daughter's eyes she could tell that the girl that had approached her the first time they met was a façade. "You're not staying here by yourself." She said.

"But..." Rachel was about to argue her case but her Mother cut her off.

"No, no Rachel. You need someone to take care of you. I'm your Mother, who better than me?" Shelby said. Her mind was already made. She would keep Rachel with her until her ankle was healed and her Fathers returned home. Hell, she'd keep her forever.

Rachel conceded. But on the inside she was panicking. With a bum ankle she wouldn't be able to go for her runs and with her Mother taking her away she wouldn't be able to swim. And she had to be able to do that. She needed to stick to her routines. They were in place for a reason. She couldn't be the perfect daughter if she let herself get fat. She had to think of something. "Would it be too much trouble if you came and stayed here?" She asked. "It's just my Dads have a heated pool in the basement and I feel that I could benefit from the water therapy."

"I have an indoor heated pool as well and I'd really like it if you came to my house. I'd like you to see your room." Shelby said hopefully.

"My...? I have a room at your house?" Rachel asked. Shocked.

"I've always gotten a house big enough for the two of us. I've always wanted you with me." Shelby admitted.

Rachel couldn't believe it. Her Mother really wanted her. She had to find a way to step it up. Bum ankle be damned! She wouldn't let her Mother down. She had to make Shelby proud. "I'd like that." She finally said at the end of her inner monologue. She would find a way to stick to her routines. She wouldn't be a disappointment to Shelby the way she had been to everyone else. She wouldn't allow it.

 **A/N #2: Mercedes is just  her friend. Rachel is really going to need the help of a good friend, a loving partner and her Mother in later chapters. **


	5. The High

**A/N: I'm so so sorry it has taken me so long to update this. I've been working like crazy! Now to answer the reviews from Chapter Four:**

 **dragonsprit: Yeah, Rachel is really going to need a strong support system in her corner for her recovery.**

 **courtneeyoung18: I'm glad Rachel is staying with Shelby too.**

 **charriserochelle143: ^.^ Thank you for all your support.**

 **Yasmin: I will keep writing, don't worry! :)**

 **Alex B. Goode: The timeline starts off with Theatricality except it's AU because I made Rachel two years younger than she was when she met Shelby on the show.**

 **Guest: Mercedes isn't going to be Rachel's lover in this story because I don't see Rachel and Mercedes like that. And I'm sorry if you took it the way of Mercedes being her slave. She was just being there for her injured friend. :)**

 **Also don't forget to pick your vote for who will end up being Rachel's girlfriend. The poll is on my profile.**

 **Chapter Five**

Shelby left Rachel downstairs on the couch while she went upstairs to pack some things for her. Which of course Rachel had written a detailed list. She just shook her head because the child was definitely hers. When she walked into Rachel's room, she marveled at how neat and organized everything was. Rachel definitely wasn't a typical teenager. After awhile of looking around and borderline snooping, she hurriedly packed Rachel's bags and headed back downstairs. "Are you ready to go sweetie?" She asked after setting Rachel's bags by the door.

Rachel had been scribbling in her journal and so lost in her thoughts, she didn't even hear her Mother. She was excited and nervous at the same time. "Yes, I'm ready." She answered. She secured her journal with the strap that held the book closed and put the book in her bag. She reached down, stood her crutches up and lowered her injured ankle to the floor.

"Here, let me help you." Shelby said softly. She placed her hands on Rachel's hips and lifted her up. She noticed, for the first time, how light Rachel was. Her daughter was really tiny. She didn't know whether to be concerned or not but she decided she would keep an eye on it. The thought occurred to her that maybe the Berry men didn't feed Rachel enough. She would make sure Rachel ate plenty while she was at her house.

"Thank you." Rachel said. She honestly didn't know how to act around Shelby. She wasn't sure if it was mixed feelings from her previous rejection and then her 380 or what. She didn't know what is was like to have a parent. It was just awkward and uncomfortable. She placed her weight on her crutches and hobbled over to the door and waited for Shelby. She knew she couldn't mess up. She didn't have any parents left.

"Rachel? Are you ok?" Shelby asked. She opened the door and let Rachel out and closed it behind herself. She took the key Rachel held out to her and locked the door. She dug in her pocket for the keys to her Range Rover and unlocked the door. "Let's get you settled in front sweetheart, I'll put your bags in the back and we'll be on our way."

"Ok." Rachel said. She held her bag to her chest, keeping her razors and her journal close to her. She didn't know how to deal with her feelings and she already decided she would be cutting tonight. She couldn't deal with any of it. Her absentee Fathers, the bullying at school, her Mother's rejection. She just wanted to purge, cut and journal.

"Do you want to get something to eat?" Shelby asked. They were passing a few restaurants and fast food joints.

Rachel's eyes bugged out and her anxiety began to rise. Her mind was working double time to figure out a way to get of eating. If she couldn't get her fix then she would put on weight. She absolutely couldn't allow that to happen. She was hungry. But even more so she was missing the feeling of filling herself up and emptying herself again. "I am kind of hungry." She said quietly.

"Where would you like to go?" Shelby asked.

Rachel acted purely on impulse. "Would you mind stopping at Chili's?" She asked. In her head she already decided what she would order and she was figuring out a way to get her fix. She was an addict. She felt like she would explode if she didn't get her high soon.

"Of course." Shelby said. She pulled into a parking spot closest to the door and turned the car off. "Do you want to eat inside?" She asked.

"No, that's alright. The painkillers I was given at the emergency room have me feeling a little fogged up." Rachel lies. She mentally pats herself on the back for thinking so quickly. The truth was, she couldn't eat in front of people. She knew that they would be whispering about how fat she was and staring at her. It was bad enough she was going to have to eat in front of her Mother. "Would it be ok if we just ordered to go?" Rachel asked.

Shelby could sense the awkwardness radiating off of Rachel. She didn't want it to be awkward. She wanted her daughter to trust her. She turned towards Rachel in the seat and placed her hand on her shoulder. "Rachel, I know that maybe you still have some mixed feelings towards me because of before but I'm here. I want to be your Mom. I don't want things to be awkward between us. I can tell you're holding back but I want you to know that you can say whatever you want to say to me. I don't want you to be afraid to ask me for things. I love you and if it's in my power to give it to you then I will do my best to make sure you get it. " She said.

Rachel dropped her head and sighed. How could she have been so transparent? Now her Mother is going find out about her secrets, get disgusted with her and leave. "I'm sorry." She whispered.

"Baby, why are you sorry?" Shelby asked.

"I'm sorry I'm not good enough." Rachel said quietly.

"Honey, what are you talking about?" Shelby asked.

Rachel was freaking out. She couldn't believe what had just came out of her mouth. Even if her Mother thought she wasn't good enough she wasn't supposed to know that she felt that way! "I...uh...nothing. C-can we please go in now?" She asked. She was already starting to hate herself even more. And she told herself she deserved every single cut she would make tonight. While Shelby helped her out of the car, the voice inside her head told her 'There's no way she can love you. Look at yourself, you're crippled, you're stupid, you're ugly and you're fat! You couldn't even go on your run right! Idiot!'. Tears stung her eyes and she tried to shake it off without Shelby noticing, but the woman was right there.

Shelby cupped Rachel's cheek. "Rachel, what's wrong?" She asked in a soothing tone. She had watched her daughter's face while she helped her out of the car and seen the gears turning and the tears well up. She just wanted to take the pain away from her baby. Whatever it was. "Sweetie, you can tell me." She said.

Fortunately before Rachel made herself even more vulnerable, her stomach growled. And she couldn't have been happier because she felt like she was making a complete fool of herself. "Get a hold of yourself." She told herself.

"C'mon baby, let's get you fed. What do you want?" Shelby said as she opened and the door while Rachel went through on her crutches.

"Honey chipotle chicken crispers, corn on the cob, loaded mashed potatoes and a diet soda." Rachel said. She could practically taste it! She was starting to fidget. She needed to purge. She needed it bad!

Shelby ordered the steak fajitas and ordered complimentary drinks for herself and Rachel while they waited for their order. She watched her daughter fidget and squirm in her seat. "Are you ok?" She asked.

"Yes. It's just been a long day." Rachel answered.

"Do you need your painkillers?" Shelby asked.

"No, I'm fine." Rachel said.

Shelby sighed. Conversing with Rachel was like pulling teeth and she did understand, but she was hopeful and she had no plans to give up on her ever again.

Once they got their food and Shelby paid, they got back into the car and headed to Shelby's house.

Shelby helped Rachel into the house and got her settled on the couch and then went back out to the SUV for the food and Rachel's bags. She gave Rachel her food on a TV tray and went upstairs to change into her pajama's and put Rachel's bags in her room. When she came back Rachel's food was almost gone. "You must have been starving." She said.

"I was really hungry. I'm sorry, I know it's disgusting." Rachel said, mumbling the last part. She just wanted to purge. She was struggling to hold it together, until she could be alone and do her thing. "I'm tired. Would it be alright if I went to bed now?" She asked.

"Of course. I'll bring you a pain pill before I go to bed." Shelby said. She decided to test the waters and leant over to kiss Rachel's forehead. And she smiled brightly when Rachel didn't reject her. She helped her up and walked behind her as she took the stairs. "Goodnight sweetheart." She said, closing the door to Rachel's room.

Once the door was shut Rachel hobbled over to her adjoining bathroom, turned on the faucet, bent over the toilet and let it flow. The endorphins kicked in and she was riding her high. She couldn't have been happier. She dug around her bag on the edge of her bed and dug out her case of razors. She pulled out a clean one, went back into the bathroom, raised her skirt and cut up her upper thighs. Tears flowed down her cheeks as the voice in her head told her she deserved it and reminded her of what a fat, ugly loser she was. Even people at school called her those names. It had to be true. Right?


	6. Bathroom Confessions

**A/N: I'm so sorry for the lack of updates. I've been slammed with work. I want to thank everyone for their reviews, follows and favorites. It REALLY means a lot to me. Also you can bug me on Writingfor Mysoul on FB.**

 **And...**

 **I have a few surprises for who Rachel will be coupled with ;). I hope you like all the twists and turns this fic is about to take.**

 **Chapter Six**

Shelby pulled up to McKinley and hopped out of the driver's side to help Rachel out of the car. "Are you sure you want to go to school today?"

"Yes, I'm sure Shelby." Rachel said and forced a fake smile on her face.

Shelby sighed before leaning in and kissing Rachel on the forehead. "Ok, call me if you change your mind." She said.

Rachel nodded and made her way into the school. She made it all the way to her locker before she was met with the freezing slap of a slushy. She sighed and focused on opening her locker to grab her slushy kit and the books she would need for first and second period. She was struggling to juggle her books and her crutches, when both fell to the floor.

"Fuck!" Rachel muttered.

"Let me help you Rach." Mercedes said. She scooped up Rachel's books and the crutches. She tucked the books into the crook of one arm and handed Rachel her crutches. "Come on, I'll help you get the slush off." She said.

"Thank you Mercedes." Rachel said. She knew Mercedes was just being nice to her because she felt sorry for her.

Rachel and Mercedes worked together and soon there was no trace of slushy on Rachel. They were just about to leave the bathroom when Santana stormed in.

"Berry! I wanna talk to you!" Santana said.

"Satan, you need to back off!" Mercedes said, sending a glare Santana's way.

"Get out Wheezy! This doesn't concern you!" Santana shot back.

"If you are here to bully Rachel, it sure as hell does!" Mercedes snapped.

"Since when do you stick up for Rachel? You're always having a Diva-off with her!" Santana said.

"Just because I compete with her, doesn't mean I don't care about Rachel. At the end of the day she is my friend." Mercedes said.

"WILL BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?! I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE!" Rachel shouted. It was effective, Mercedes and Santana both shut the fuck up and looked at her in surprise.

"Who knew, goody-two shoes-Berry, had it in her?" Santana said with a smirk.

Rachel turned to Mercedes and said, "I'll be ok Cedes."

"Ok, but I'm gonna be right outside the door." Mercedes said. She bumped shoulders with Santana on her way out of the bathroom.

Santana crossed her arms and looked Rachel up and down. "When did that happen?" She asked.

"What?" Rachel asked. She was confused since Santana wasn't showering her with insults.

"Your ankle, Rachel, when did that happen?" Santana spoke slowly, like she was talking to Brittany.

"Oh! This weekend." Rachel said.

 _Yeah, because your blubber butt lost your balance because of all the fat weighing you down!_ The cruel voice in Rachel's head said.

"I'm gonna cut to the chase Rachel, I saw you on Friday." Santana said, crossing her arms across her chest.

"Saw me what?" Rachel asked. She would have crossed her arms as well if it wasn't for the damn crutches.

"I saw all the food you had when you left the cafeteria and I saw you leaving the bathroom after you ate it." Santana said, raising her eyebrow in challenge.

Santana was about eighty percent sure Rachel was bulimic. She had done it and some of the cheerios were doing it. She knew what to look for.

"So, what the hell do you care?!" Rachel snapped. She mentally slapped the shit out of herself for her outburst. This was the exact way to draw more attention to her secret.

"Dammit! Berry! You are so damn stubborn and as smart as you are, you are being really stupid!" Santana snapped. _Shit!_ She wished she hadn't said it that way.

Rachel took a deep breathe and locked eyes with Santana. "What the fuck does what I do have to do with you?" Rachel asked quietly.

"Because I fucking like you and I don't want you to die!" Santana shouted.

"What?!" Rachel asked.

"Haven't you noticed the way I don't insult you, don't slushy you, pay attention when you talk in Glee?" Santana asked.

"You can't like me! We're not even friends!" Rachel said. She couldn't believe it.

Santana stepped closer to Rachel. "That doesn't mean I don't want to be." She said quietly.

Rachel was thrown for a loop, she needed to get out of there. "I'll think about it." She said. She made her way out of the bathroom as gracefully as she could on the crutches.

Mercedes pushed off the wall when she saw Rachel come out and started walking beside her. "What was that about?" She asked.

"Santana just told me she has a crush on me." Rachel said with a scoff.

"About time Satan got the guts to spill the fact she has the hots for you!" Mercedes teased.

"You knew?!" Rachel asked.

"Everyone knows, Rachel. Damn girl, where you been?" Mercedes said.

"Everyone knows?!" Rachel asked dumbly. She was really tired of sounding like a repeating parrot.

"Yeah, she ordered all slushy attacks on you to stop. She practically fucks you with her eyes in Glee and the hockey jackass that slushied you this morning got his ass kicked." Mercedes said like it was completely obvious.

"I...I think I need to go home." Rachel said.

"I'll drive you." Mercedes offered.

"N-no, that's ok. I'll text my Mother." Rachel said. She felt like she was about to have a panic attack.

"How are things going?" Mercedes asked.

"It's awkward. She keeps trying to talk to me and hug me." Rachel said.

"She's trying Rachel. She loves you." Mercedes said. "I think she really wants to be your Mom."

Rachel nodded and looked down at her phone. "She's out front. I'm gonna sign out in the office and go."

When Rachel made her way into the parking lot Shelby was waiting for her with the passenger door open and the engine running. She didn't say a word, she just wordlessly helped Rachel in and took off.

"Do you want to get some lunch before we get home?" Shelby asked.

Rachel felt tense and anxious and a bunch of other feelings she didn't feel like dealing with so, she impulsively asked her Mother to stop at the nearest Taco Bell and ordered two cheese quesidillas, two tacos, two cheesy gordita crunches and a large diet soda.

Shelby didn't think anything of it. She just paid for the food and headed home.

"C-could I eat in my room, while I do my homework?" Rachel asked nervously. She needed to indulge in her addiction and get her high before she combusted.

"Sure, sweetheart. I'll take your food up. Do you want to swim with me later?" Shelby said.

"Um...yes. That would be nice." Rachel said.

Rachel made it up the stairs and into the privacy of her room as fast as she could. Once she was alone and she was sure her Mother wouldn't be hovering over her, she began eating. She barely even tasted any of it. She was cramming bite after bite in until she was stuffed. She chugged her diet soda and headed right for her bathroom. With little effort she was soon puking into the toilet and after jamming two of her fingers down her throat she was soaring on endorphins. She washed her hands, rinsed out her mouth and made sure there wasn't any evidence of what she had done before she went back into her room. She limped over to her bed and pulled out her journal and started writing.

 _Santana cornered me in the bathroom first thing this morning after a slushy attack and told me she likes me. I don't see how that's true. No one likes me. No one could because I'm such a pathetic, fat, loser. Even if it was true, I'd only let her down in the end...The less people I have around to disappoint with my failures, the better. I think Santana is beautiful and thin and everything I'm not._

Rachel had just finished her math homework when her phone went off, alerting her to a new text message.

Santana: Will you go out with me on Friday?


	7. Friday Night

Chapter Seven: Friday Night

"People underestimate how much self-hatred it takes to force yourself to throw up."

Rachel was still in shock over Santana's text message. It had to be a twisted prank. Right? She was just getting ready to delete the message when Santana text her again.

Santana: So maybe asking you out like that wasn't the best move...so let's start over? Hangout with me and Britts on Friday?

Rachel smiled. She wouldn't admit it but she was impressed by Santana's persistence.

Rachel: What will we be doing?

Santana: Party at Puckerman's...

Rachel: Is this a joke?

Santana: I swear on my Abuela it's not!

Rachel: Ok...I'll go with you and Brittany as FRIENDS.

Santana: I promise to make sure you have a good time!

Rachel smiled, shook her head and put her phone down. She couldn't believe she actually agreed to go. She set about the rest of her routine, logging everything she ate and everything she purged. She missed having a scale. She needed to know how much she weighed. She felt fatter than usual and not being able to see the numbers was making her edgy. She had just put her journal away when Shelby knocked on the door. "Come in." She said.

Shelby pushed the door open and took a minute to just look at her daughter.

Rachel began to feel a little self-conscious. "D-did I so something wrong?" She asked.

"No, sweetheart. Not at all. I have just always imagined you in this room and it's incredible to have the real deal." Shelby said getting a little teary eyed.

'Yeah...you're hard to miss as fat as you are!' The voice said.

"Will I still be able to see you sometimes when my Dads come back?" Rachel asked. She hadn't planned on asking it out loud but now that it was out she wanted to hear the answer.

"You better. I was actually thinking of talking to your Fathers about visits on weekends and holidays." Shelby said.

Rachel was in disbelief. First Shelby was telling her they should be grateful for each other from afar and now she wanted to be apart of her life! WTF?

"I would really like that." Rachel said. "I got invited to a party on Friday and I was wondering if it was ok with you to go..." She added.

"If you were still home alone would you go to this party?" Shelby asked.

"Yes. There would be no one around to ask their permission." Rachel said.

"Who's throwing the party?" Shelby asked.

"It's at Noah's. All the other Glee kids will be there." Rachel was surprised at how hard she was begging to go to this party.

"Who is Noah?" Shelby asked.

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Noah is also known as Puck. He has a Mohawk." She said.

"I see. And will you be going to this party by yourself?" Shelby said.

"No, I'll be going with Santana and Brittany." Rachel said.

The more Shelby questioned her the more she wanted to go.

"Alright, you can go but there will be some rules." Shelby said.

Rachel did not like this. She was used to doing whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. She lived by her own rules. But she didn't want to disappoint Shelby, so she complied. "What are your rules?" She asked.

"Call me when you get there, if there's any drinking call me to come get you and...have a good time." Shelby said.

"Ok, thank you Shelby." Rachel said.

"You're welcome." Shelby said. She moved further into the room and stood in front of Rachel.

Rachel knew Shelby was either going to hug her or kiss her again. She wasn't used to all the affection. "Shelby? Would it be alright if you cooled it down with all the hugs and kisses? It makes me uncomfortable." She said.

That pricked Shelby's heart for two reasons. One, she wondered just how absent the Berry men were that her daughter was uncomfortable by affection. Two, she had missed fourteen years of hugging and kissing her daughter. She didn't want to push though. She cleared her throat, "Of course Rachel. I love you." She said.

"Thank you. I'm going to get ready for bed now." Rachel said. She could see she had hurt Shelby's feelings and she felt like an asshole. She couldn't bring herself to say the words back. She was still really confused. How could Shelby love her when she was such a fat disgrace? Would Shelby still love her if she found out what she was doing? The questions went on and on until she couldn't take it anymore. Add the mean thoughts she was having towards herself and she really began to crumble. She rushed to her bathroom, purged again, enjoying the sting of stomach acid in her throat and pulled her cutting supplies from underneath the sing. She rolled up her sleeve and slid the blade across her wrist, not paying attention or really caring how deep the cuts were. She bandaged them up and crawled into bed, telling herself she deserved every single one.

It was finally Friday, Rachel still had to wear the boot but she no longer needed her crutches. She was holding up different outfits in front of her mirror and she couldn't decide what to wear. "What the hell am I doing?! It's not a date!" She said with a huff. She wanted to look good for Santana but she also wanted to hide the cuts on her arms. She held up her long sleeve summer dress again and tilted her head. It was red, short, but not too short and long sleeved. She decided it was the winner. She put her other clothes away and threw the dress on the bed. Then she hopped in the shower. While she was washing her hair she noticed some of it coming out. She threw it away, ran half the bottle of conditioner through her locks and got out of the shower. After she got dressed, she brushed her hair out and put it in a high ponytail and put on some eyeliner and mascara. She looked at herself in the mirror one more time before deciding she looked decent enough to go out in public and headed downstairs to wait for Santana and Brittany.

"You look beautiful Rachel." Shelby said when she came out from the kitchen.

Rachel looked down. She didn't see anything beautiful about herself. And was that a new belly roll? She forced herself to smile though. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. Are you going to have something to eat before you go?" Shelby asked.

"No, that's ok. We will probably grab some McDonald's or something." Rachel said.

"Do you need any money?" Shelby asked. She moved over to her purse and pulled out twenty dollars from her wallet.

"No, it's ok. My Dads gave me a bank card." Rachel said.

"Take it anyway." Shelby said.

"Ok." Rachel said. She took the twenty and slipped it into her cellphone wallet.

Before either of them could say anything else, they heard honking outside.

"See you later." Rachel said.

"Remember to call me when you get there!" Shelby hollered after her.

"I know, I know." Rachel said before closing the door.

"Hey Rachel you look so pretty!" Brittany squealed when Rachel walked up to the car.

Santana sat there gaping at her for a few seconds before clearing her throat and adding, "You look beautiful."

"Thank you..." Rachel said. She got into the backseat and played on her phone until they got to Puck's house.

When the three of them got there all of the other Glee kids were there plus some other guys from the football team and their girlfriends.

'Great now everyone can see how fat I am.' Rachel thought.

"I'm gonna go say hi to Quinn!" Brittany said over the music.

"C'mon Rach let's go get a drink." Santana said leading Rachel into the kitchen. "What'll you have?" She asked.

"I'll drink anything as long as I can't taste the liquor." Rachel said.

"There are a ton of wine coolers over there." Santana said pointing to the island in the middle of the kitchen.

Rachel nodded and went over to the table. She picked up a pina colada wine cooler, opened it and took a sip. Before she knew it, it was gone and she was drinking another one.

Santana had her fair share of shots watching Rachel lick her lips and drink the wine coolers wishing she could be the opening on that bottle. She put her shot glass down and moved to stand behind Rachel. "Wanna dance with me?" She asked.

Rachel finished her wine cooler and put the bottle down before turning to face Santana. "Ok." She said softly.

Santana grabbed her hand and lead her to the living room where all the furniture had been pushed back to make a dance floor. She started moving her hips and swaying to the music, she looked into Rachel's eyes as she danced around and knew that Rachel was liking what she saw. She pulled Rachel against her and swayed with her in her arms. "You're a good dancer." She said.

"You're not so bad yourself." Rachel teased. She began to grind against Santana and let loose. She let Santana run her hands up and down her body, she enjoyed the feeling of her hands on her. She was genuinely having a good time.

'Careful tubbers, don't want Santana to feel all your rolls do you?' The voice asked.

Rachel pushed away from Santana as if she had burned her. She started backing away. She needed to leave. She needed to just get out and go binge and purge until she was too tired to move.

"Rachel wait!" Santana said.

"I...uh...I just need some air o-ok? You...you stay here and I'm gonna go outside." Rachel stuttered before pushing through the crowd to get to the door.

"Fuck!" Santana shouted.

"Hey?! What happened?" Mercedes asked tapping Santana on the shoulder.

"We were just dancing and we had a connection, I know we did, but then she pulled away and ran off." Santana said.

"Don't worry Satan, from what I saw Rachel is totally into you." Mercedes said before walking over to Kurt.

Rachel didn't stop walking until she got to her house, thank God her and Puck lived on the same block. She let herself in and then she headed straight for the downstairs bathroom to puke up the alcohol. Then she called for a large pizza with wings and a two liter of diet soda. Once the food arrived and she sent the delivery boy on his way, she tore into the food. She was barely even tasting it. She stuffed herself and puked. Then, she repeated it again. She cleaned herself up and went back to Puck's house. She walked into the house looking for Santana.

"Hey, I thought you left." Santana said when Rachel approached her.

"No, it was just stuffy in here and I needed some air. I walked to my house and back." Rachel said.

"Oh..." Santana said.

"Will you dance with me again?" Rachel asked.

"Depends are you gonna run away again?" Santana asked.

"No. I like the way you hold me." Rachel said.

For the rest of the night Rachel was dancing with Santana, enjoying the feel of her arms around her. Because she felt safe there. No one noticed the tears that fell down her cheeks.


End file.
